Sick of Being Worthless
by MapleCanadia
Summary: Low self-esteem and a horrible past are just some of the reasons why Mathew Williams is desperate to keep his boyfriend Alfred Jones interested and in love with him...but how far is he willing to go to get the happily ever after that he always dreamed of having?


Sick of Being Worthless:

Pairing: Canada x America

Warnings: BxB; human names used; attempted suicide; swearing; bulimia and anorexia

Disclaimer: No matter how much I wish it was different, I have never, do not, and probably will never own any of the characters used in this story.

Note: Words in italics are characters thoughts

Chapter 1: Why can't I be better?

Gagging coming from the bathroom was the only sound in the silent house of the Canadian boy. At the current time the boy was home alone, as his boyfriend was out working for the evening, and wouldn't be home until later that night. Making himself sick was a normal reoccurrence in the household of Mathew Williams…it had been for over a year now. Living alone gave him a lot of time to think and lately all that seemed to be on his mind has been his boyfriend Alfred. They had currently been dating for a year now, and couldn't be any more in love if they wanted to be. Alfred was his world and more, but how could he love him like this? _How could Alfred still love me while I'm this fat? I'm nothing compared to those girls that he used to go out with! If I don't start getting my act together soon, he's going to leave me for somebody else! There's so many better people out there that he could be with…if I'm not careful then soon he's going to lose all interest in me…I can't let him leave me alone like that! I'm just going to have to try harder in the future…prove to him that I can be everything that he could ever want…give him no reason to want to find somebody else._

Just at that moment, a car could be heard pulling into the driveway in front of the house. As quick as he could, the below average sized Canadian stood up and ran to the sink so he could brush his teeth so he wouldn't have to go through the awkward questions that his boyfriend would surely ask him if he looked like he was sick.

"Mattie I'm home! Where are you? I brought dinner home with me!" his boyfriend could be heard yelling from the kitchen in the small house.

"I'll be right there Al! Let me just finish up in here because I need to talk to you soon about something important." Mathew yelled back, hurrying to finish getting ready.

Looking in the mirror one more time, he took a deep breath, and slowly began to walk to the kitchen to greet his boyfriend. When he walked in, his breath was almost immediately taken away at the sight of his boyfriend. He stood in the middle of the kitchen at his full height of 6'1", his blond hair curling in that signature way of his. Bright blue eyes sparkling with excitement, and face flushed from the activity during his job as a construction worker. His large muscles were visible under his sweat soaked t-shirt. It was clear that he was in need of a nice cold shower, to clean him off before he could devour all of the food he brought home with him. Not able to do anything else at the time, Mathew moved forward to greet his sweaty boyfriend with a quick kiss before he wrinkled his nose and stepped back when Alfred tried to give him a hug.

"No hugs until you shower. You're all gross and sweaty right now. Then you can tell me about your day while you eat your dinner." Mathew responded before ducking out of the room followed by the sounds of his boyfriend's protests as he stomped down the hallway to take the shower that he'd been ordered to take. (I realize that I'm making Mathew/Canada into an extremely girly character but that's just how I imagine him to be)

15 minutes later, Alfred came walking into the family room freshly showered with a plate stuffed full with food, which he then proceeded to eat rapidly. "God Al, chew your food before you choke!" Mathew said laughter ringing clear in his voice.

"Well sorry that I'm so hungry! Unlike some people I actually worked all day! And aren't you going to eat something? You aren't sick again are you?" Alfred asked worry clear in his voice.

"I'm fine…just not feeling very well right now."

"This is the tenth time this month that you've been sick! Maybe you should go to the doctor…this could be serious."

"I'm telling you Alfred, I'm fine so let's just drop it and leave it at that." He said exasperatedly. _I hope that Alfred doesn't look too far into this…wouldn't want him to realize what I'm trying to do for him. Knowing him, he'd probably think that I don't trust him, and think that he's shallow. I'm just going to have to try a little bit harder to make it less noticeable then…I love him too much to have him worry about me._

"Alright then Mattie, let's just go to bed. I'm taking the whole day off tomorrow to spend it with you."

"Thank-you Alfred…don't worry about me so much…I'm perfectly fine ok? I love you." Mathew said already beginning to drift off into a different world created from your imagination and secret wishes…


End file.
